2 Samuel 3:22-30 (Part 2) – Revenge Leaves You With a Burned Out Tree Fort and Nothing Else

Posted: May 22, 2018 in 10-2 Samuel
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2 Samuel 3:22-30 (Part 2 of 2)
Joab Murders Abner

In my first marriage there was much trouble. There were very few good years and those were early on. I will admit that my first wife had a rough row to hoe when it came to life. Her dad was killed in a head-on collision that also left her mother in a wheelchair for the remainder of her life. Miraculously, Lisa and her brother survived with just a few broken bones and some bruises (and this was back in the day when there were no seat belts in the back seats of cars). Her mother raised a son and a daughter from a wheelchair and she did the best she could with the help of close-by family members. However, because of the way Lisa had to grow up, people always made exceptions for her behavior and she blamed all the problems in her life on the way she had to grow up. Then, two weeks before we got married, her brother was also killed in a single car accident in the wee hours of June 28, 1980.

With that backdrop and the blow of her brother dying just before we got married, it was not long before Lisa began abusing drugs and became increasingly violent toward me. Her drug use was even unknown to me for much of these years between 1980-1984. She sobered up for awhile when she became pregnant with our first child, Meghan. It was after Meghan was born that her abuse of prescription narcotics began again and reached heights where I was basically parenting alone and cleaning up both my wife’s literal and metaphorical messes. During her first rehab visit in 1987, she had an affair. I don’t want to say I am a saint or anything but I tried to keep the marriage together. I would like to say it is because I was a Christian man and was trying to redeem what was broken. However, the real truth of it was that I was 25 years old, a father of a two year old of which I would have been granted custody, and I was simply too afraid to handle all that responsibility myself when I, myself, was still a kid, so to speak. During the following year in 1988, Lisa had a run in with the law that she could only escape by going into rehab once again. This time, it was a twelve-step program and not the mental health hospital approach of the previous rehab. She came away from that second rehab clean and sober (which would last quite a few years). Our second daughter, Taylor, was born during this period of sobriety. However, with her addictive personality, she became addicted to purchasing things – whether we had the money or not. Back in those days, the early 90’s, checks were still in vogue and I was chasing her bad checks constantly because she was spending more money than we had. All of these factors left me disillusioned, bitter, angry, tired, alone, fed up, and just profoundly sad all the time. That led to many fights that further enforced my defeatist feelings about life. I was in a dark place emotionally and spiritually.

In these pre-salvation days of mine, even I thought divorce was not a viable option. Not because of the high ideals of God about marriage, but because I knew how Lisa would react to it. I also knew of my own internal fortitude that I could not stand up to the expected mental and emotional onslaught that I knew she would give me. I knew that she would use my kids against me. Meghan and Taylor were the reasons that I got up each day in this marriage. So, leaving them just was something I was afraid to do. Leaving them with Lisa, I knew that they would be poisoned against me. It was a price I was not willing to pay. I was a chicken plain and simple. I was not willing to stand up for myself nor was I willing to walk away from kids. In these pre-salvation days, what is the best answer in a situation like this. Well, it disgusts me to think about it now, but in those days I was a different person. I played the martyr real well and said I deserved it and, well, Lisa had previously had her own affair. It was now my turn. It was OK. God just wanted me to be happy, right? I deserved it, right? When I look back at it, the whole thing was revenge for all the hell that Lisa had put me through over the years of our marriage.

I would like to say that our marriage survived the two affairs, hers and mine, but it did not survive mine. It was the beginning of two to three years of physical violence, and emotional terrorism (at home, while I was at work, you name it) on the part of Lisa. Finally, it came to the point that I had to leave or someone was really, actually going to die in that relationship. It had gotten that bad. From that point forward, although I had removed myself from a violent home and a emotionally abusive home, the physical violence may have stopped by the terrorism did not. For three full years after we split up, there was constant emotional terrorism. She became so consumed by revenge that it affected the rest of her life.

Although the public nature and the intensity of the terrorism stopped when Lisa remarried some 3 ½ years after we split up, she remained bitter toward me for the rest of her life. It consumed her. To hate me was her reason for existence. You were either for her or against her. She was so consumed by hatred and revenge that it spread to other people in her life to the put that she and her second husband ended isolated and alone. It was in part, I think part of the reason that she died at the early age of 55 years old (now 3 years ago). I will never forgot thinking that revenge killed her.

It was that idea of revenge, mine toward Lisa (in the years before I came to Christ as my Savior and Lord) and the all-consuming revenge of Lisa toward me, that came to mind when I read this passage again this morning. Now, with that backdrop from my life, let us read this passage, 2 Samuel 3:22-30:


22 But just after David had sent Abner away in safety, Joab and some of David’s troops returned from a raid, bringing much plunder with them. 23 When Joab arrived, he was told that Abner had just been there visiting the king and had been sent away in safety.

24 Joab rushed to the king and demanded, “What have you done? What do you mean by letting Abner get away? 25 You know perfectly well that he came to spy on you and find out everything you’re doing!”

26 Joab then left David and sent messengers to catch up with Abner, asking him to return. They found him at the well of Sirah and brought him back, though David knew nothing about it. 27 When Abner arrived back at Hebron, Joab took him aside at the gateway as if to speak with him privately. But then he stabbed Abner in the stomach and killed him in revenge for killing his brother Asahel.

28 When David heard about it, he declared, “I vow by the Lord that I and my kingdom are forever innocent of this crime against Abner son of Ner. 29 Joab and his family are the guilty ones. May the family of Joab be cursed in every generation with a man who has open sores or leprosy[a] or who walks on crutches[b] or dies by the sword or begs for food!”

30 So Joab and his brother Abishai killed Abner because Abner had killed their brother Asahel at the battle of Gibeon.

In this passage, we see that Joab killed Abner in a rage of revenge. Seeking revenge will ruin your own peace of mind and create an environment of hatred that destroys everything in its path and increases the changes of a continuing tit for tat cycle of retaliation. I remember a movie called “The War” where kids fought over a tree fort and the fighting got so intense with their tit for tat violence toward one another that finally the tree fort ended up getting burned down to the ground. Nobody had anything then. Revenge is like that. It is like fire that consumes all the oxygen in its path.

Revenge is pride on a rampage. We take matters into our hands. We make ourselves God. We play God. We make it our god. Revenge can affect families for generations as we will see in the coming books in the Old Testament after 2 Samuel. The legacy of this murder extends in the book of 1 Kings (see 1 Kings 2:31-34). Revenge wins nothing but a temporary sense of victory and then we must prepare to receive retaliation.

As Christians, we must be the ones who stop the cycle of revenge. We must love those who hate us. We must pray for them. We must not take their attacks on us personally. We must take the high road and not respond in kind. We may through our prayers and our not responding in kind bring the other person to the table to resolve the issues once and for all and move on. We may not be buddy buddy with this person going forward but revenge gains nothing but a burnt fort. Revenge gains nothing but a burned out soul. Revenge belongs to the Lord. We must pray for the ones who seek revenge against us. We must love them as Jesus loved those who persecute them. Those who seek revenge are ruled by pride and not by God. Those who seek revenge should be looked on with eyes of sorrowful love. Retaliation and revenge only lead to an ever-widening circle of destruction that leaves us alone and isolated standing in our burned out tree fort.

Amen and Amen.

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